July 26th, 2010 - Internet Marketing Whore

  So I've spent the past week focusing on some Internet Marketing & Search Engine Optimization projects for various clients. I've realized a couple important things in this past week that I suppose I just overlooked previously:

1. I hate people.
2. I really, really hate people.
3. If I was smart enough to plan the assassination of certain people without getting caught, I probably would. Fortunately for these people, I'm not really as bright as I think I am.

  So I'm sorry Mr. BestestIdeaEverSinceMySpace, extensive search engine optimization and mass marketing will NOT get people to buy your craptacular idea for a business and I definitely won't provide such services for an "EXTRA GENEROUS" stake in your failure of a business and no cash up-front. Why? Because your business idea sucks and you're a moron.

Here's how your business would look on Main Street, USA

July 19th, 2010 - Alvin Greene

  I would like to state, on the record, that I LOVE that fact that the democratic party now has their very own Sarah Palin with their senatorial candidate for South Carolina.

July 18th, 2010 - Brain Aches

  There are few things in life more annoying than a good old fashioned brain ache. Some idiots like to call them headaches, but I feel the description is entirely too vague. Brain aches occur when the worms that live inside your brain decide to burrow to the cerebral blackantannex and excrete an enzyme that is remarkably similar to alcohol in a sinister plot to dumbify you. Brain aches are often confused with what the laymen call 'hangovers', however, they are not the same; brain aches are impossible to prevent, while hangovers are your own fault, therefore brain aches should not be grounds for a reprimand when arriving to work with one.

  You know, I could write all day about brain aches, but I doubt you'd want me to waste my time on such an unimportant subject. Instead, I will spend the day eating brownies that have what look like little pieces of oregano in them.

July 15th, 2010 - Writer or Failure?

Some of the best copy I've ever written.

  So I was just going over my accounting information (that's what I like to call the big pile of unpaid bills hidden underneath my desk as well as the tiny little stack of incoming checks which I like to display proudly on top of it) and I discovered that the majority of my income, year to date, has been brought in via writing editorial copy as well as, drum roll please, online marketing copy (search engine optimization stuff, or, as I like to call it, spam). Being one to call a spade a turnip truck, I went ahead and changed the heading on my resume to "Amazing Writer and Copy Editor, Hire now for quick discreet shipping from Canada!" Hopefully this will attract more work in the illustrious field of whoring one's mind out for scraps.

  Grammar ain't got nothing on me.

  Oh, and I almost forgot something. Someone made a movie about myself in the future. You should go see it, because people hate pretentious snobs that won't go see their movies.

July 14th, 2010 - Family Reunion!

A Snapshot from the Family Reunion

  So I just drove back from Kentucky where I attended a remarkable family reunion. Sometimes people make life so easy by being really patronizing and obnoxious about blatant issues in your life, like a badly functioning limb or maybe that total lobotomy you had that one time. These are the times that I like to take advantage of the fact that I don't give a shit and I end up getting permanently 'banned' from family gatherings at a certain person's house just because I broke a couple of Uncle Matt's ribs when I was showing him just how well my foot is doing these days.

  Sometimes you just have to know when to hold them and know when to shoot your opponent in the gut.

July 13th, 2010 - Rhinoceros of Superiority

The Rhino of Superiority

  So I was looking through things and I found a picture of a Rhino. Rhinos are cool sometimes because they roll in the mud likes horses. If I had a Rhino as a pet, I'd rub mud on it all the time.

  Want to know the best thing about this Rhino? It's superior to you.

   The Author of this site is a man living in denial about the notion that there is anyone intelligent enough to have a conversation with anymore, so he writes to his computer instead.

   To summarize, he writes and rants and makes shit up.